I was commenting on a friend’s blog today, and it got me to thinking again about intimacy and how it’s working (or not working in my life).
I think of intimacy in my life as a 100% leaning in to the connection – and when losing connection, noticing and finding the way back in. That demands a great deal of staying power (staying in the mess of emotion etc. by being patient and still, and by not holding back or giving up). Sometimes that means demanding to be met for the sake of the connection – and both of us being willing to both give and receive (not always easy for me admittedly). So, is it better to give than to receive? You tell me. I think both bear equal weight in an intimate relationship.
I experience intimacy in this way: “in-to-me-see” and all of the things that my friend Lynda Martens* talked about in her blog, point that way. Creating safety first, sharing the space together and then moving into the dance of intimacy.
I mean, intimacy really is like looking into the mirror don’t you think? I see myself reflected in my partner (the good, the bad and the ugly) and focus my efforts on giving and receiving love, truth, joy – the range of positive life forces and keeping the poisons out that impact our little system. And the way that works the best for us to achieve poison control is to clear assumptions with each other, stalk the truth (e.g. about the root of a ‘trigger ‘), and remember that we are committed to UPR (unconditional positive regard).
Don’t get me wrong, there are times of raw vulnerability – and because I trust my partner’s intentions – I can stay in that messy scary place – and experience the full range of who I am as my partner is seeing-into-me. Yep, honey, what you see is what you get (and thankfully not too often 
).
I shared these thoughts before posting, with my dear friend, mentor and leader-buddy Linda Krantz, and she had this to say: “Love what you’ve expressed here – the staying (and not running, or hiding, or becoming combative, etc.) and the trusting your partner’s intentions. That’s HUGE. And it begs the question: how do we lean in even when we aren’t trusting? Do we? Or do we do something else? And is that “something else” called “not showing up”?”
Powerful questions Linda.
I think there have been times when I’ve simply tried to trick myself into believing
when I’m not trusting and then get really scared and when I’m brave enough I’ll say something – and 9/10 times realize it’s just my own baggage – stuff I thought I’d long since grown out of – and simply naming it helps me ‘recover’ to myself. Like a lot of people though, my default is to retreat and go silent and it’s in this place that my work is to get over myself and ask my partner for help recovering (ah, the give/receive thing again). I don’t default to this place very much anymore (yay!) but when I do, I think holy crap, I thought I wasn’t carrying this around anymore. However, I am not a perfect human being, and sometimes I forget to switch my instant recovery switch to the on position.
It can be hard to ask for and then receive help. Ask me how I know! Nonetheless, in spite of my growth area of learning to “be taken care of” for the sake of our connection and greater intimacy, I trust that doing this is in service to my partner and the relationship.
As Linda says, you do both of you a disservice when you hide or become distant. That’s what keeps me stepping back in when it happens to me. I think to myself “this is freakin’ stupid, Linda. You’re not helping anything by becoming silent.
Yes, stepping back in – and stepping right up – showing up fully in the relationship – 100% leaning in to each other.
The joke of it all is that when I come clean, my partner will say he had no idea what took me to that place (that place where he says I’m a bit weird or freaky ). Oh the triggers we set off in each other, us humans. Yes, eliminate what can feel like drama from your life. It works, trust me.
I was reviewing some notes I had taken during one of CTI’s leadership retreats and the suggestion really fits when it comes to achieving greater intimacy with yourself and others. It read: in the places where you normally go inside to find or figure something out – go outside and find it in someone else. I guess that seals it on the asking for help thing, or as Linda wisely points out that it could also mean to look for a mentor or a role model – someone we can look to and emulate. I seek that in my partner, and see how important it is to keep turning toward each other, or as he says ‘communicate, communicate, communicate’, that and following the laughter is the best medicine credo once I get out of my own way!
Linda muses, isn’t it funny how the triggers have nothing to do with the present moment, and everything to do with old junk we’re still lugging around in a suitcase?
…or in some cases – a steamer trunk? How true. Just when you thought it was safe to travel with a simple carry-on too!!
When I told Linda I was going to blog a bit about intimacy, shared my thoughts, and added that I’d then find a way to link it to leadership, she said “I think you’ve already linked to leadership in a BIG way. I’ve come to believe that the only leadership comes from within – how we conduct ourselves as people in relationship: with ourselves and with others defines our level of leadership”.
So, I will receive that from Linda as a gift – and give her the credit for thinking it!
Give me a break – and I’ll receive it!!!
Ciao for now.
Robin
* If you’re interested in checking out Lynda Martens’ blogspot link here:
http://lyndamartens.com/2012/01/intimacy-why-we-want-it-why-we-avoid-it-and-how-to-build-it/
